Modern society grooms us to be accommodating, yet frowns upon being a pushover. How do we find the happy medium? Is being assertive the answer? Can we be assertive and learn how to communicate effectively?
In short, yes, we can. At some point, we might begin to consider the fact that others are taking advantage of us if we are too passive in our communication. Not sure exactly what that looks like? You can read more about being a passive communicator here.
Simultaneously, we fear that others will be offended if we say no to a run-of-the-mill request. It’s not a situation we want to put ourselves in, that’s for sure. If we’re too aggressive we’re seen as bullies…and you can read more about that here.
Being an Assertive Communicator
Assertiveness is only a small slice of sustaining positive health, both mentally and physically, in my opinion. However, to maintain a stable life, it’s important to have communicational boundaries. This allows you to make your own requirements a priority.
Will being assertive lead to your desired outcome?
Here’s how you can answer this question. Be on the lookout for the following things:
- You have a hard time saying “no.” When you aren’t able to stand up for yourself, communication-wise, you tend to give in and reply with “yes” more often than you actually want to. You might feel like a social target, since you think someone has pushed you into doing something you would rather not do. Being assertive takes guts, and those, my friends, are inside everyone!
- Some friendly advice: Conjure your inner pride and voice your independence to choose to decline items that you find to be too troublesome or displeasing. Take a moment to think about what is best for you at the time, and assert your response sooner rather than later.
- You are afraid of being refused or excluded. Self-confidence is a clever way to overcome this fear. While this may be a whole other topic, let me just say that sometimes you have to “act as if,” or “fake it ’til you make it,” as they say these days. Try not to worry about the other person’s reaction. Pretend it’ll all be okay and say what you mean. The more you practice this, the more assertive you’ll become. I believe that this is the main concern that causes people to fail at being assertive….the fear of rejection.
- You aren’t getting your needs met, time and time again. Do you constantly hope that others will be kind? Are you often wishing that they could just focus on your benefits rather than their own? Unfortunately, this isn’t the way things work. If you are too “go-with-the-flow” you might lose the respect of your counterparts, and in return, they will not have any motivation to even consider your needs.
- Some friendly advice: Make sure your conversational (and otherwise) wishes are being respected and met. If you have a hard time getting someone else to do their part, stop trying with that person and move on. You might even have to rely solely on yourself! Conversations can always be revisited after some time has passed.
- You have difficulty accepting responsibility. Often times, people who find it hard to take responsibility will also battle with being assertive while communicating. It’s easier to avoid a troublesome situation than speak up, right? Wrong. As we all know, keeping emotions on the inside can lead to resentments later.
- Some friendly advice: Work some more on boosting your self-confidence. Don’t be afraid to practice positive self-talk and affirmations of success rather than failure. Remove the fear of potentially failing from merely accepting responsibility in a conversation. This is probably one of the best methods to broaden your capacity to assume responsibility. As a result, you will be able to adopt a more assertive approach to communicating.
- No matter what, you steer clear of disagreement. If you are being mistreated, whether it is personally or professionally, how do you react? Do you confront the offender or continually “let it slide”? Are you willing to sacrifice your well-being (emotionally or physically) just to keep the peace?
- Some friendly advice: Sometimes, in order to come to an agreement, there has to be some degree of conflict. Disagreement is a natural part of communication and I think it should be anticipated every so often. It’s a necessary way to weed out the unworthy ideas and reach a compromise that fits your goal. So, you need to understand how to embrace conversational conflict and realize that it is actually useful.
- You always apologize. There are times when saying “I’m sorry,” is fitting, however, words have meaning. Being sorry means to ‘feel regretful’ or that you ‘owe someone penitence’. It can also mean that you are at fault for a given situation. Apologizing constantly actually devalues the meaning of the phrase, in my opinion!
- Some friendly advice: Challenge yourself to eliminate that 2-word phrase from your vocabulary for an entire day. Take note of how easy or difficult this exercise is for you. Make a list of times when you find yourself tempted to apologize and write down a brief description of the event. At the end of the day, revisit your list and you might even laugh at yourself for thinking those things were regretful…or even your fault in the first place!
- You are reluctant to voice your opinion. Think about the last time you went out to eat (maybe it was awhile go, thanks to the Coronavirus). Who chose the location? More importantly, how was the location chosen? Chances are, if you’re not the assertive piece of the puzzle, there was a wishy-washy conversation which resulted with you saying, “sure, that’s fine” to whatever was suggested. Maybe everything was hunky-dory and you had a great time, but that’s not the point. The point is that you deserve to have an opinion, even when it comes to restaurant choice.
- Some friendly advice: Speak up. Just do it. Tell other people what you think. If we are all honest with ourselves, we have multiple opinions on just about all the things. Your preference may not be intense, but most likely it’s still there. What’s the worst that can happen? Someone disagrees? Well, good thing we already covered engaging in conflits!
Assertive Communication: Personally and Professionally
I find that acting with an assertive attitude in my everyday life enhances my overall demeanor and mood. I’m not constantly apologizing or taking blame for things that I didn’t cause. I’m able to communicate effectively with my co-worker (my husband) and we can easily tackle issues and come up with solutions together. I can calmly state my opinion in regards to certain clothing choices or hairstyles that my children have chosen. They need to learn that people have different opinions and that it’s okay! Being assertive in your personal relationships is sometimes a learned strategy. If you’re interested in an informational blueprint to build healthy relationships on, you can click here.
Being assertive: sharing your thoughts up front
Assertive communicators let others know their opinions, and in return, they often gain respect, even when counterparts may not have similar thoughts. Additionally, being assertive in conversations suggests that prioritizing yourself is not a bad thing. Without an appropriate amount of assertiveness, you end up sacrificing important aspects of your life, such as self-esteem and confidence. I think that you will discover that life is much less complicated when you engage in communication assertively.
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