You can learn how to make time to make friends. Friends are family when you’re miles away from your blood relatives. As you probably know, we are a military family and while there are many aspects of military life that are rewarding there also some that are frustrating and just plain tough! Sure, most of these tough situations we are put in build our resiliency as a family, but try telling that to your 5 year old when you get unexpected orders to move two years sooner than planned. Making time to dedicate to making adult friends is a skill that needs to be practiced. It doesn’t just happen overnight.
Time with and for friends can be stressful…
Without a doubt, moving to different places every couple of years is stressful. Often, we are miles and miles away from our family and we have to create our own extended family. In my experience, this process is either super easy or super difficult. There’s no middle ground. Sometimes you meet another family and jive instantly and sometimes you have to shop around for the right fit. Either way, it’s definitely an essential part of the constantly moving, military lifestyle.
There’s so much that goes into finding your “people,” so to say. It depends largely on where you live, whether you’re on post of off post, what kind of unit your service member is a part of and how willing you are to put yourself out there. I’m going to be honest, I’m usually not shy…as long as I’m surrounded by like-minded individuals or maybe a classroom full of third graders. However, when it comes to making new friends, especially as an adult, I really have to try.
Here’s why: I have friends already.
That sounds really annoying and self-centered when I read it over again, but let me explain. I am a very lucky person who has amazing best friends from my hometown, college years and different duty stations. All of these friendships happened so easily. When you’re in close proximity (neighborhoods, schools, dorms, spouse connections…) it’s easy to find and maintain a healthy friendship. If you get along and identify with someone, it makes finding friends simple. Fortunately, that’s what it has been like throughout my life.
However, now that I’m in yet another new place, I have to consciously put in the effort to make friends…and it’s hard. I think about all the great friends I already have… and then I think: why should I have to make more? Well, here’s a great reason: my sanity. If you are in the same boat, follow these simple tips to find time for friendships and to keep yourself from going crazy. I’m going to go old-school here, so bear with me. Get ready for the fantastic five W’s…and an H. So, grab a pen and paper (or pull up this Google Doc) and get ready to make a list.
Make a plan…
1) WHO: With whom do you identify? Before you can make friends you have to know what kind of person you’re looking for. It’s kind of like dating and finding a mate…really, it is! If this person is going to be your chosen family, you have to do your research. Who is your ideal friend and what qualities do you want them to have?
2) WHAT: What are you willing to do to make new friends? It doesn’t always happen with proximity alone and you might have to be more assertive than usual. What groups (in person or online) can you join? Are you willing to put yourself out there with a FB post in a spouse or neighborhood group? What activities do you enjoy? Do you want to meet people that way?
3) WHERE: Think about where you like to spend your time when you’re not at home. Doesn’t it make sense to meet people who like to be in the same places as you? If you want to find like-minded individuals, find them in spaces where you feel comfortable, confident and happily engaged. Where are some places you could cultivate new relationships? This can be in person or online, but if it’s online, be sure it’s a safe space and when you do meet up and be smart about it!
4) WHEN: When are you most likely to run into potential friends? Is it at school drop off or pick up? Maybe it’s when you are grocery shopping, grabbing coffee or working out at a gym. When do you have time to dedicate to a friendship? If you work full- or part-time, your friend-finding-time-frame can be small, so be specific with this one.
5) WHY: Be honest with yourself and think about why you want to make a new friend. It’s okay to be selfish here. I know I am when it comes to this question! Do you want to make friends because you’re bored? Lonely? Need another mom to commiserate with? Whatever the reason, figure it out and use it as motivation to find the perfect person.
6) HOW: Now that you have the information from numbers 1-5, how can you put together a plan of action? Can you commit to trying one small thing, like a FB post or trying to start a conversation with a fellow mom/dad at school drop-off? If you’re living the military lifestyle, maybe you can join a spouse group or something similar within your service-member’s unit. Whatever you can do, make a plan and make it happen.
Make time for friends a priority
Okay, now that you have a done some brainstorming and have a plan, here comes another aspect. Once you find this friend, or group of friends, make it a priority to connect with him or her often, even if it’s just through a text. Make regular plans to meet up so you can get to know the person. If it’s a good fit, then that’s great! What should you do if you just aren’t feeling it? Be a grown-up about it and be polite, but honest. Sure, it’ll be awkward in the moment, but it will cause you less stress in the long run, trust me.
When you use this list of tips you’re actually saving yourself time in the grand scheme of things. Most people are busy, and wasting time being stressed out about not having any friends is not helpful, to say the least. Maximize the time you have to dedicate to building friendships. Work smarter, not harder, and you will find the right friends who will be come your chosen, extended family.
